see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
