I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
