My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
