You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
