Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
