I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
