my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
