I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
