hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
