you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
