i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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