Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
