What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
