I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
