I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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