Acid is not a monday night drug
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
