I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
