im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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