dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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