only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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