Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
