i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
