the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She told me I should be a condom model.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
