Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
