Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Randomize
