You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
