Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
