Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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