He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
How's work?
Spinning.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
