the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
