youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
