You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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