I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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