I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
