There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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