i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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