But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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