Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
