I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
