i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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