Dude my mom stole all your condoms
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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