dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm passing your future prison.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
