I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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