Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
