so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
