she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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