Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
