there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
And then he peed in my hair
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