wakey wakey hands off snakey
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We talked him into tasing himself.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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