Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
