Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
