he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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