Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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